So You Just Learned You’re Autistic…

Welcome to the cool club.

Hey there! You’re probably feeling one of two things right now (plus a whole bunch of other stuff): either 1) super validated, with everything in your life suddenly making sense in the context of this new (to you) vantage point, and/or 2) super freaked out and alienated, both from yourself and from society (ahem, like me, when I found out). Those are all fine and normal, and largely ephemeral! I promise that if you feel like an alien, it won’t be for very long (months, not years), and the validation is helpful and doesn’t go away.

First: you’re awesome. No really, you are truly worthy of awe. If you’ve come this far without you or anyone else knowing you’re autistic, you had to do some really super-human Transformer craziness all these years to have been able to hide it both from yourself and from everyone else. Don’t worry! It wasn’t intentional; it was a survival mechanism, and you weren’t being deceptive. You had to, in your context, to get by.

Second: there are a lot more of us than you think! You’re not remotely alone. You can probably think of at least 5-10 autistic people that you know or have encountered in your life right off the bat, now that you know what autism actually is. You’re right, it’s weird that being autistic is nothing like what the rest of the world thinks it is! It’s even weirder (and slightly more problematic) that being autistic isn’t even like what most of the psychological world thinks it is. You can help with that! Not everyone has the luxury of being “out” as autistic, either for work reasons or family acceptance reasons, and that sucks, but maybe you do have that luxury. Exercise it if you can! The more society sees “normal” autistic people out there (a.k.a., masked), the less we’re all seen as aliens, and the more our experiences and points of view will be taken seriously by “society” — especially for those of us who can’t hide it. You’re not more “functional” than they are, you’re just willing and able to fake it, and lucky for you, you don’t have co-occurring language, intellectual, and motor challenges (but you have plenty of challenges!).

Also: you’re probably a little (or a lot) traumatized from adverse childhood events related to being autistic and from destroying your true inner self and constructing this normative “acceptable” self to blend in, especially if you just assumed that was just a natural part of growing up. You may barely even have access to or awareness of your original self, pre-Normification. Trust me, you’re still in there, but it might take some time (and therapy) to bring you back out — and there will surely be bumps along that road. You may over-correct for a while, then go back to the safety of your old “fake” self, and all of that’s normal and okay. There’s no right way to learn you’re autistic as an adult. You might keep it to yourself forever and maintain the façade because it’s finally comfortable to you, like an old sweater that’s finally stretched out enough to fit, or you might go wild and revert back to “You 101” entirely. Both — and everywhere in between — are fiiiiiiine. Since being identified as autistic, I’ve experimented with presenting as “a little extra,” my more genuine self, but for utilitarian reasons, I’ve essentially returned to my “normative” self in everyday interactions, with the exception that now I’m a singer-songwriter, composing and performing my own music, which had always seemed too earnest and show-off-y before (and I didn’t even know I could do it, because it wasn’t “typical”). The fact of the matter is, we can’t comfortably (or even practically) “unmask” without the support and understanding of the neuro-normative people around us.

Here’s the thing: you probably felt very alone throughout much/all of your childhood, and possibly into adulthood as well. You weren’t lonely because you were “bad at social skills”; you were lonely because you hadn’t found your tribe. You had different social priorities and needs that weren’t fulfilled by shallower normative interactions, but there are so many of us out here who feel the way that you do! You’re not alone, you’re just geographically dispersed. Come online, you can find yourself here/there (and maybe even not too far from you!).

Hated piano lessons, hated playing classical (love listening to it). Turns out I love playing rock music and play best by ear and with chord charts. Who knew? (no one). I didn’t play for my entire adult life until the day after I learned I was autistic.

You’re not “over-sensitive,” “emotionally disregulated,” “lacking in empathy,” “off-putting” or “weird.” You actually have extremely enhanced sensory capabilities (Can you hear real things no one else hears? Can you smell real things that no one else smells, that are eventually validated by finding the source? Then you have heightened sensory abilities, and yeah, loud noises or mechanical whines are gonna drive you nuts). You’re incredibly logical in an extremely illogical world, or you’re extremely intuitive in a world that doesn’t quite understand what that really means. You might actually be so empathic that you have to shut it off most of the time so as not to be overwhelmed by others’ feelings. You care about deeper, more meaningful connections than the surface-level stuff that usually passes for “friendship.”

You’re interested in things like philosophy, art, astrophysics, justice, and music, more than The Bachelor and shopping (which are fine! just maybe not your thing (it’s also fine to be autistic and love those things — it’s merely a generalization)). You have unique interests and talents that others also share, but they’re rarer and again, geographically dispersed. It’s totally fine and cool that you’re really into penguins, or Bob Dylan, or video games, or gardening, or poetry, or woodworking, or heck — vacuum cleaners. What’s up with people who think that’s weird? They’re weird, for being so closed-minded.

Yes, you’ve perhaps been officially “diagnosed” as autistic, but don’t be fooled: you are not broken. You do not have a disorder (stick around for future posts, and I’ll explain why). In an autistic-run, autistic-designed space, context, or society, you are at the top of your game. Your honesty and directness are valued by other autistic people (while considered blunt and off-putting in the normative world). Your intensive interests make you an expert at things others only dabble in.You have gifts you may not even be aware of yet. You can feel normal and be autistic, because you are normal. Wearing glitter as an adult is normal, collecting rocks is normal, listening to the same perfect song 100 times in a row is so, so satisfying — and normal (“Hey Jude,” OMG). You’re a different kind of normal; heck, you’re interesting, fascinating even. Embrace it, dive in, and join me on this crazy adventure that is a fantastically-human life. I look forward to meeting you!

Cheers y’all, ~Heather :)